Writing this post has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do and I have been avoiding it for quite some time because it’s incredibly, incredibly personal.
But I started this blog with the intent of being open and honest about my own personal experiences as I navigate my way through this journey of self-love and self-empowerment. And if my story can have an impact on someone out there in a similar situation, then I think it is worth gathering the courage to share this.
This story is based back in Perth but if I am being honest, it still seems to be haunting me here on the other side of the country and I know in time I will come to peace with what’s happened and move on.
I met someone a while back. I don’t want to go into the circumstances as to how we met but basically we got to know each other quite well and I ended up liking him a lot. A lot a lot. A lot more than I should.
And this would all be well and good except for one tiny detail. He has a girlfriend.
Even though he barely talked about her, I felt like I really should have taken better control and kept my distance. And I feel guilty because I did absolutely nothing to discourage things.
It was such a struggle to deal with this because as you may know, I started this blog out of a determination to love myself, put myself first and live an empowered, wonderful, good life. To have values and to stand by those values. To encourage others to do the same. And obviously I went against all of this by falling for and finding myself getting close to a taken guy.
Now I promise nothing happened. But if I were to ask myself how his girlfriend would have felt if she saw the way he and I interacted with each other, I don’t think she would have been very happy. It’s one of those situations I guess where nothing happened… But everything happened.
During my final month in Perth, we spent a lot more time together and got to know each other really well – our favourite movies and music. My preference for gluten-free food – even though he’d give me a hard time about my interest in healthy food, he tried my baking and pigged out on my cupcakes and cookies. He’d constantly wind me up and I’d react, usually with a punch on the arm. We spent a lot of time just sitting or standing there laughing our faces off together about anything and everything. He figured that whenever I went really quiet, I was upset. He’d seen me at my worst when I was upset and on the verge of tears. I’d seen him annoyed with other people but never with me, no matter how much of a pain I was.
During my final month in Perth, I spent so much time wondering whether to say something. But what? How I felt? That I liked him? And did he like me too?
As I met up with him to say goodbye, I made a last-minute decision not to say anything. It was so awkward – we were standing uncharacteristically far apart from each other and when we hugged, it felt weird. Completely unlike the week before at my farewell party when just before he left, we just stood there hugging each other for the longest time and he kept whispering to me, “I’ll see you next week.” (but maybe that was due to the influence of alcohol).
Some may think I should have shown more courage and told him how I felt.
But I felt that I deserved so much better. As wonderful a guy he is, I want to be with a guy who is available. And isn’t that a wonderful demonstration of self-love? Making yourself available for an available person. Is that not the least that I, or anyone for that matter, deserves?
I’ve also come to peace with what happened in the past and to not feel guilty. I just simply liked the attention I guess. I am only human and I guess most other humans would have acted in the same way and lapped up all the attention. Plus I’ve taken it as a very big compliment.
A few days after arriving in Brisbane, I got a text from him asking how things were going. Of all people, I honestly did not expect to ever hear from him again – I mean, only my closest friends have kept in touch so far. At that moment, I felt a mixture of emotions. It had been a pretty crappy day and I had spent the morning sobbing and suffering a bout of homesickness and so I was elated to hear from him but also frustrated because I felt like my likelihood of being able to forget about him had just diminished incredibly.
One day I will wake up and he will no longer be the first person that comes to mind, nor the one who seems to haunt my dreams when I’m fast asleep. More importantly, one day I will actually be fully willing to just let him go. I don’t think I’m quite there yet in all honesty.
But in the mean time, I will busy myself with my new job, new hobbies, new places to explore and keep on working on myself and building that strong foundation of self-love, empowerment and independence and focusing on relationships with the right people.
And when that “one day” comes, all feelings I ever had for this unavailable man will be just a distant memory.