After one of the most emotionally taxing weekends of my life, I was at work busy rattling away on my computer when towards the end of the day, I heard my phone go off and a message appear on my phone.
It was him.
After having stood me up when we were meant to go on a date to the soccer, he had contacted me to apologise. He even had the audacity to say he wasn’t even going to bother explaining what happened. Having seen posts of him with his friends on Facebook over the weekend, I had a pretty good idea of what had happened.
Still at work, I took a few deep breaths and carried on working in seething silence for the last 10 minutes of the day. I don’t think I’m quite yet ready for my colleagues to see me blow up.
See, I like to think I am a pretty chilled, easy-going person with a temper that doesn’t really last. I also have a tendency to just keep things to myself and I’ll do that for a good amount of time until I eventually explode. Either that or I’ll just walk away and not bother confronting. Obviously neither approach isn’t all that great, but that’s just how I do things.
But no way in hell was he going to get away with this as the wild, angry beast inside of me unravelled itself.
I hurled insults, I told him he was selfish, that he had no balls. That last bit probably did it for him. He started accusing me of being crazy and annoying.
And realising that I might as well have just talked to a brick wall, I told him to have a good night and that was it. We just stopped talking. No apologies. No insults. Nothing.
Later on that week, I came across an event on Facebook at the Brisbane Spiritual Church where they were doing psychic and tarot card readings for only $20. I couldn’t stop thinking about the event and it felt like something was pulling me there. So I rummaged together $20 and drove across the city to get a reading.
I ended up getting a tarot card reading. I felt awkard as I attempted to shuffle the cards. I’ve never really spent that much time playing cards. As she finished placing the cards down on the table, the lady doing my reading picked up on how things had recently come to an end with someone.
She also said a dishonesty would be revealed.
The next morning I woke up and decided to send him a text asking if we could maybe talk and end things between us on a good note. No matter how much he hurt me and how much of an ass he had been, I guess I still wanted some closure in order to move on.
He came over to my place and it felt so weird to think that here was this guy that I had been seeing for almost 2 months – someone I had gotten close with – and now we were just complete strangers to each other. He made small talk and I so badly wanted to tell him to cut the crap and just get on with this.
And then he made two confessions.
He said he needed to sort himself out. He had spent the entire weekend out drunk with his friends. It was the second time he’d done that to me actually. Oh how I wish I hadn’t forgiven him the first time around.
Instead of getting angry like I had planned, I broke down in tears.
“Did you have that much dislike for me that you couldn’t even show up?” I whimpered through my tears.
He just couldn’t explain it. He just said all these words and I’m still not sure if he meant any of it. About how he was getting too old to act like this. And that if he had a sister or daughter and he knew some guy had done this to her, he’d be pretty angry.
All I said in response: “Just don’t ever treat another girl the way you treated me.”
His second confession: “I felt things were getting too serious.”
And there was my dishonesty revealed to me.
All this time I thought he wanted something serious. He told his mother about me when we started dating. We were playing darts at his house one afternoon and he told me how his housemate and his girlfriend would play and the girlfriend could beat him. I interpreted that as a sign that maybe he thought of me as his girlfriend now too. I left my phone in the car one time at the beach and he went off to go and get it. He paid for almost every single date, except with my rotten luck, I paid for the tickets to the soccer game that he never turned up to.
And at the same time, I had been pretty dishonest with myself. I think I liked the idea of seeing someone and being with someone even if he was completely wrong for me. He literally oozed out so many red flags which I chose to ignore. He smoked like a chimney and I hate smoking. He got so drunk, he stood me up on our second date. He was useless at planning dates – he’d arrive at my place to pick me up and would always be asking what I wanted to do because he had no ideas. Intellectually, we were on completely different levels and I don’t say that in some sort of condescending, snobbish way. No matter how many times I tried to explain what I did for a job, he just did not get it and that really frustrated the crap out of me. I am a software developer – what part of software developer do you not understand?? He had little interest in the things I was passionate about like hiking and fitness and travelling. He had no idea Korea was in Asia for goodness sake! He couldn’t understand that I actually loved my job and hell yes I’m excited to be going on a work trip to Sydney (why would I not be excited to go to Sydney?). He didn’t know what meetup groups were and when I explained the concept he thought it was stupid. He didn’t understand why I ever did Spanish lessons. He didn’t like reading. When I told him I liked rap music, he thought that was odd because “Irish girls don’t like rap” (he was Irish). When I told him I wanted a Toyota Hilux, he told me that wasn’t a very lady like choice of vehicle (What. The. Hell?)
It was like he had spent so much of his life in this warped little bubble that we might as well have been on different planets. Looking back now, I’m amazed we lasted six weeks.
I nodded my head in response to his confession. “I had a feeling. I was just waiting for you to say someting. If you felt that way, you should have just said so.”
“And that’s the worst part. I said nothing.”
During my tarot card reading, the lady kept telling me to focus, over and over and over.
“Focus. Just focus on what you want.”
What the hell did I want? “No idea” was quick to pop into my head but that wasn’t true at all. And so I spent the next few days between those moments of sadness and frustration just really thinking about what mattered to me, what was it that I dreamed of doing. What things would light the spark in me.
Well I wanted to be really fit and healthy again for a start. I wanted to build a life where I’m always moving around and not staying sedentary. Where exercise and being active is something I just do because it feels good, not beecause I’m out of shape and need to get back into it. I wanted to be a lot more mindful about what food I put in my mouth but at the same time still enjoy a treat every now and then.
I wanted to focus my energy into the people who love me. My family. My best friends. My housemates. I wanted to invest my energy and give back to them in return for all that they’ve given me – they’ve supported and encouraged me with my dreams and goals and I want to say that I have done the same for them.
I wanted to focus on creating more rather than consuming. I look back at when I was younger and I was forever writing stories, poems and making things from papier mache boxes to greeting cards to mud sculptures. Over the last couple of years especially with the explosion of social media, it seems I’ve become content with just consuming the creations of others. Obviously this blog provides a fantastic means of creating content, but I think I can be more consistent with my efforts and work past the writer’s block, work past the fear of sharing with others, work past the frustration when only 7 people like my article on Facebook and I wish that figure was more like 700.
And most importantly I wanted to focus on myself. Not in the half-hearted way that I do after I’ve stopped dating someone and I think, “Right time to love myself so that I can meet the right guy.” No. This time I want to focus on loving every single bit of myself from my loud laugh to my crooked teeth to my wavy black hair not so that someone else can love me but because I am the most important person to me.
And at the end of it all, I will always have me.
I used to spend a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me and why did guys never stick around, as if I had a curse placed on me.
It wasn’t a curse at all. It was a blessing from the Universe.
No way was the Universe going to just let me belittle myself and just settle. That wasn’t written in my destiny at all.
I was made for far, far greater things.
(Image sourced from Pixabay).